I struggle to understand the passing of time, how things change. I guess I don’t want anything to change — I wish my hometown would look the same each time I go back to visit, I wish friends stayed the same, I wish my outlook on life stayed the same (or do I?). As a human, I don’t understand change — I don’t understand what love is, or means, what friendship means, what the meaning of life is.

I gather these experiences, and perhaps they are stored in some sort of mental/emotional jar inside of me. Perhaps, my muscle memory is also included in this jar. There is no limit to the size of the jar, I guess. Sometimes it feels like there is, when I can’t concentrate, when my outlook is negative, when I don’t feel close to love ones, family, or friends.

I search for meaning, waiting for something to excite my body, to escalate me to a new high. I look to the clouds, maybe to find God, I look to music, to find peace, or a river to let me flow with gently, and then, I don’t really look at all. And nothing happens. And I’m left empty. I’m left with a feeling of nothing, which actually makes sense. Doing nothing will probably make you feel nothing. I’m not sure. Meditating is not ‘doing nothing.’ It’s doing something to reach a higher consciousness.

I miss my romantic vision of the world. I miss not worrying about time. Maybe the jar fills up by itself, and shouldn’t be something to worry about. Maybe I’m learning and not realizing what I’ve learned.

I wonder when I will wake up.

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