I wanted to write to you for a while now – I haven’t exactly been using social media very much, except for some random posts here and there, videos etc. I feel somehow compelled to release some of my thoughts on life and music to you – that’s actually the core of what it is I am doing as a musician — understanding the ocean deep inside of me, and letting that out in hopes of connecting with you. I feel like I have found something so wonderful, so true, that I need to share it. And the thing is, I can’t even share it in one paragraph, or even one hundred – this is something that I’ll be sharing over time, as the seasons change, as my face begins to age… I feel like the luckiest man on earth. I have the best friends on earth, who support me and are there for me when I need help — friends who also are directly involved with the music I’m making and my music career. Makes me wonder if there is ever a line between business and love, or if the two are dancing closely around a bright fire. These feelings are what make my world magical, colorful, unexplainable. The intense feeling of a new love, the crippling sadness of a bruised ego, the complete high of playing a kickass rock show – they are all part of me, but, they aren’t ME. I used to have difficulty distinguishing between the different faces that I wear throughout the day, wondering if I am just pretending, wondering how important it really is to act based on how I am feeling in a particular moment. And then I sit down. And I remind myself to breathe. And the intense feelings disappear, and I can once again see this melancholy beauty that I thrive on, that I love so much — a thick fog all around me, a peace I can’t explain. It’s not a sadness, it’s an equilibrium – it’s not overjoyed with happiness or love, it’s not depressed or desperate, it’s a glowing blue core that is filled with emotions, but contained in a way that allows me to look even deeper, and feel even more for myself and other people. In this state I feel powerful, connected and in control — a balance between reality and the spiritual world around me.
And I know this will disappear, it’s only natural, day by day as events meaningful or dull, pass by, but it’s a place I strive to always come back to. I guess I could call it a home of sorts, a place of acceptance and understanding.
I’m gonna be on the road a lot in 2019, and I would love to see you and sing some songs together.
“What a beautiful face | I have found in this place |That is circling all round the sun”
Full Circle, back on track to the purpose of life I set out to live. I defined my main passion in life as music a while ago, started taking it seriously only a few years ago, and now, the path is shaping itself even more, as I keep carving out pieces of my life, trying to see what feels right, what leads to something beautiful. Things I’ve known for a while now, but needed to remind myself of — playing live, connecting with people, spreading happiness, BEING happy. It’s so easy to get caught up with the idea of success, that you forget what you’re doing, or why you’re doing it in the first place. I can’t tell you why it’s my life’s purpose to create music, other than it’s something I feel strongly in my heart and my body. Making music wakes me up, it connects me to people, it make me happy. And I can see clearer now, that live music is never going to die. Real human connection is never going to die, it’s always going to be sought after. We live for human connection, even in this digital age. The meaning of music expands when shared with other people. There are few truths in this world that I believe in, and one of them is that I was born to perform.
I know that this road will be a long one, and I don’t know where exactly I will ‘end up’, but every step of the way, every path that I cross, will push me forward.
I wish there was time. Time to develop a thought. Time to not worry about things 1, 2, 500000 steps ahead.
I wish for that thought to float above my head for hours, twisting and turning and forming into a beautiful stream of ideas and possibilities. And then..
I get distracted. Wondering if someone will write to me, if I have something else I need to do I have forgotten about. Will I ever kick tis addiction and learn to focus?
I must, or else I will disappear into the sky when I am gone, never to be mentioned again.
Reading Ecclesiastes for the fifth time, and every time I read this, it’s as if I’ve forgotten about the last time I read it. I mean, how could it be SO easy to slip back into a nihilistic mindset? How can I so quickly lose passion in all I do?
Perhaps it’s just a wave, like everything — some light days, some dark days. And it’s tough, because I expect every day to be light, love, filled with music and joy.
Maybe we were created so — at certain ages we view the world in such ways. Can you control this? Can you just make yourself love the days?
I struggle to comprehend this world, and I never will understand it, like you, like them. But, what is it that sucks out all the meaning from the things I love — music, food, people.. Is it time itself, or just a chemical in my brain?
Where does compassion come from, where does love come from.
I don’t know if those are the right questions.
“Worship the morning,” I tell myself.
Morning brings breath to the soul, electricity to the body.
There are no moments slower yet more fleeting than the morning.
And yet, I miss it almost every day. Almost every day I sleep in.
And night gets all the attention.. The easy time of day.
Morning is pure, a struggle to appreciate.
One day I will love you like I’m meant to.
I really don’t understand anything. And I really don’t like that. I don’t understand the meaning of life, I don’t understand the changing of my emotions, the seasons as they change, what love is, what is healthy for my body and soul, what the point of anything is at all.
I wonder what stage in life this is — I could imagine some emo 16 year olds having the same thoughts I am having now, but it really is just frustrating. I am almost so willingly clueless, and sure that I don’t understand it, that perhaps, I actually do understand it.
My head goes in circles.
The only moments that exist for me are those elated moments of making music.
I don’t know who I am or what I’m meant to be.
It’s always changing, what I find satisfying, meaningful — my dreams.. I wish I could enjoy the ride a little more.
Sound is a magnet, either pulling me in, or forcing me away.
Sound leads my mood, leads my body, leads my soul.
The sound I create, is not mine.
Sound leads my fingers, leads my voice, gives my voice depth, reason, emotion.
It is my pupet master and I am simply its willing slave.
Sound is my memory.
Sound is my love. Not a taste, not a smell, I have met God, he is neither kind nor mean, but he knows how to make a lot of noise.